


Welcome to McVaughn

by atributetotheclassicmovies



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV)
Genre: Adventure, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-10 08:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6975259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atributetotheclassicmovies/pseuds/atributetotheclassicmovies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Napoleon and Illya were supposed to go on a luxury vacation,<br/>but why did things never go according to the plan?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Where're my clothes?"

“My head…” Napoleon groaned as he covered his head with his hand and turned to face Illya, who was asleep besides him. 

Napoleon opened his eyes and saw Illya with nothing on but a red underwear (with yellow kitten pattern in case you wonder), which was a present Napoleon bought him last Christmas (Illya openly despised it back then). Although there were absolutely no secrets between the two, Napoleon still felt a bit awkward seeing Illya like this, especially during such an early morning. 

“Where’s your pajama, Illya? You might catch a cold.” He tried to sound as normal as possible. 

“Hm?” Illya opened his eyes and yawned. He stared at Napoleon without blinking. “Napoleon, it’s cold here, why are you shirtless?” 

“What? I’m not…” Napoleon looked down at himself, and realized that both of them were stripped down to their underwear. 

“That’s not funny, Napoleon. Where’re my clothes?” Illya frowned. 

“Why on earth do you think I took them?” Napoleon protested. 

“Who else?” Napoleon sighed and got off the bed. 

As he walked toward the closet, he looked back at Illya and chuckled. 

“Hey, you look good on that. I thought somebody said he hated it.” 

Illya narrowed his eyes and gave him a cold glance. 

“Could you kindly hand me my clothes?” 

“Ok, ok,” Napoleon opened the closet. “Illya!” He shouted. 

“What?” Illya jumped out of the bed. 

“Where’re all our stuffs? Our luggage?” 

“Didn’t we bring them in yesterday?” Illya said as he looked into the empty closet. 

“Yeah, but they’re gone.” 

“Well, think positive, Napoleon. At least they had the courtesy to leave our underwear on.” 

“Maybe that was because they didn’t find anything valuable underneath.” 

Illya rose his eyebrow.

......

(Three days ago)

“I’m sorry, Napoleon… to cancel our date that sudden.” Nora from the UNCLE control room said apologetically. 

“It’s not your fault,” Napoleon smiled, “don’t worry.” 

“Here.” Nora handed him two tickets. “Hope this will make up to you.” 

“What’s this?” Napoleon asked as he took over the tickets. 

“Two tickets to the McVaughn Island, hotel and food included. I won them in a raffle.” 

“Interesting…” Napoleon examined the tickets closely. “I’ve never heard of this island.” 

“Me either. But it’s supposed to be very pretty. Take a look at this brochure.” Nora took it out of her handbag. 

“Uh-huh,” Napoleon said as he flipped through it. “beautiful sceneries, luxury hotels… It’s a pity I couldn’t go with a beautiful girl like you.” 

Nora smiled. “I’m sure you can find a better date.” 

“I doubt that.” Napoleon said.

......

“So that’s the story, Illya. Do you want to come with me to that whatever the name of it is island?” Napoleon asked. 

“I don’t know, I’ve never heard of it before. It sounds suspicious.” Illya tilted his head to the side. 

“I know. But somehow I don’t want to waste these tickets,” Napoleon paused. “besides, it’s rare for Mr. Waverly to grant us a few days leave. Why not take a vacation?” 

“You have a point there, Napoleon.” Illya contemplated. “Well, I might as well go along. You might need me.” 

“Oh, I do?” 

“Yeah, you always get into troubles.” Illya said placidly. 

Napoleon made a funny face behind Illya as he walked out of the office. 

......

“What are we going to do now?” Napoleon shivered and curled himself up. 

“First, we need to find some clothes.” Illya looked up at Napoleon. “Which one of us should go?” 

“Well, I don’t have a coin… How about rock paper scissors?” 

Illya thought for a second. “Alright.” 

“Rock, paper, scissors!” They called in unison. 

“Darn!” Napoleon said as he looked at his paper and then to Illya’s scissors. 

“I’m sorry, Napoleon.” Illya grinned. 

About fifteen minutes later, Napoleon came back wearing a dark blue bathrobe. 

“Bathrobes. That was the best the concierge can do.” He handed Illya the other bathrobe. 

Illya narrowed his eyes. “May I ask why is mine pink?” 

“Because I think you look better in pink.” Napoleon chuckled and patted Illya’s cheek. 

Illya reluctantly put on the pink bathrobe. Napoleon walked around him and examined. 

“Oh, you do look good in pink, Illya.” 

Illya sighed and slightly shook his head.


	2. "Aren't you proud of yourself, Illya?"

Wearing the bathrobes, it was time for the two men to figure out their next step. Instead of a plan, Illya’s stomach started to growl. 

“I’m hungry, Napoleon.” 

“Me too, Illya.” 

“What should we do now?” 

“Let’s go find some food.” Napoleon suggested. 

“How? We don’t have any money.” Illya turned and looked at him, puzzled. 

“That’s why I said ‘find’ some food, not ‘buy’ some food. Come on!” Napoleon said as he nudged Illya.

……

McVaughn island. It was a neat, tiny tropical island that had paradise-like views, pure blue sky, gorgeous beaches, beautiful sunshine, you name it. The people were kind, and it seemed that nothing could wipe off their friendly smiles. Little white houses stood beside each other, it was clear that nothing was out of place. Frankly, the whole island just looked too artificial to be true. 

At first, they were pretty self-conscious of their odd appearances, but that feeling was soon replaced by the desire for food. They wandered on the street and stopped in front of a bakery. From the display window, they saw a variety of delicious breads, and some of them were fresh out of the oven. 

“They look… great, Illya.” Napoleon licked his lips. 

“Uh-huh.” Illya widened his eyes and put his hands on the display window in order to take a better look. 

“Well, I guess extreme situation calls for extreme actions,” Napoleon said. “I will go on the front, and you go from the back.” 

“What?” Illya narrowed his eyes. “You’re not going to rob a bakery are you?” 

“Rob? Oh, My friend, that’s not the exact word I’m thinking about,” Napoleon winked at him. “It’s charm! I’m going to charm them.” 

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.” Illya murmured to himself. 

Suddenly, a loud noise from the side caught Illya’s attentions. There appeared to be a great group of people cheering. 

“Hey, Napoleon, I think I found a way to get food without disgracing our organization.” Illya tapped Napoleon’s shoulder. 

“What?” Napoleon turned to him. 

“Look at that sign.” Illya pointed at a wooden sign just behind the crowd. “Are you a big eater? Prove yourself and win cash prize!” Illya read. 

The two went over to the crowd. A host on the stage was explaining the rules enthusiastically. 

“Hey, that’s not bad, Illya, I think you will win.” 

“That’s not what I had in mind. I’m actually thinking of letting you go.” Illya said dryly. 

On the stage, there were already four challengers sitting behind a long table. 

“We still got one more space! Which one of your brave souls is willing to challenge?” The host said. 

“Here!” Napoleon shouted as he pointed at Illya. 

Illya tried to hide behind Napoleon. 

“No, I don’t want to go, stop it!” Illya protested. 

“Thank you! The gentleman in the pink bathrobe will be our fifth and the last challenger!” 

“No!” Illya continued to protest as Napoleon pushed him towards the stage. 

“I’m counting on you, Illya.” Illya groaned and glanced at Napoleon angrily. 

Napoleon replied with a blow of a kiss. 

“So you all remember the rule: the one who can eat the most hotdogs in 30 minutes is our champion!” 

Hotdogs were brought out in front of the five challengers. 

“Ready?” 

“Go Illya!” Napoleon waved his arms. 

“The gentleman there has a lot of faith in you.” The host smiled at Illya. 

Illya blushed and was extremely embarrassed. 

“Three, two, one, ready, go!” The host pointed at a big timer besides the stage. 

Despite his initial complains, Illya did a fairly good job trying to squeeze in as many hotdogs as possible into his mouth. Napoleon’s cheering came into his ears continually. Down to 5 minutes, all the others had stopped eating, besides Illya and a skinny, middle-aged man, who was wearing a blue hat. 

“It’s clear that now is the competition between the gentleman in the blue hat and the gentleman in the pink bathrobe,” The host said. “which one will be our next hot doggie champion?” The host looked at their plates. 

“It’s hard to say now, they are very close!” 

Only 1 minute left. Both of them stopped eating. They glanced at each other, but none of them attempted to pick up another hotdog. 

“You can do it, Illya!” Illya saw Napoleon jumping up and down. 

Illya managed to take a few extra bites and finished another hotdog before the time was up. 

“And the winner is…” 

The host carefully counted the number of the hotdogs they left on the plates, then held up Illya’s arm. 

“The gentleman in the pink bathrobe!” 

Illya struggled to stand up as the host presented him a silver hotdog shape cup. 

“Bravo, Illya!” Napoleon clapped and whistled. 

“Oh, the gentleman in the blue bathrobe, do you want to come up here and celebrate with him?” The host asked. 

“Of course!” Napoleon ran and jumped lightly on to the stage. 

“Congratulation!” The host shook both of their hands. 

Napoleon tapped on Illya’s round and full belly. “Oh!” 

“Ugh,” Illya painfully responded. “Where’s the cash prize?”

......

Illya stayed in the bathroom way longer than usual. Napoleon knocked on the door. 

“Illya? Are you alright?” 

“Ugh.” Illya made a faint reply. Napoleon chuckled. 

“Think positive, Illya. We got new clothes and some cash now,” There was no response from Illya, so Napoleon continued to speak. “thanks for your sacrifice.” 

“Yeah, with ten dollars left to spare,” Illya grumped. “how many days do you think ten dollars will last?” 

“Come on, Illya, it’s not about the money, it’s about how much fun you had!” Napoleon had no intention to stop teasing him. 

“Ha!” Illya replied sarcastically. 

“And think about your ability to eat, aren’t you proud of yourself?” Napoleon seemed to enjoy this very much. 

“Please, Napoleon! Stop!”


	3. "I'm doing this for us."

Napoleon and Illya sat at an outdoor café, each of them had a drink in their hands. The sun was bright, and Napoleon was beaming as he saw a beautiful brunette sitting next to their table. However, his partner looked grumpy. 

“That’s all we got, Napoleon. After paying these drinks, we got none.” Illya paused for a second. “How did I tell you? Ten dollars…” 

Napoleon winked at the girl who in turn smiled at him. Illya narrowed his eyes. 

“Are you listening to me?” 

Napoleon patted Illya’s shoulder, but it was clear that his full attention was still on the girl. Illya sighed and looked at him, annoyed. Perhaps feeling the raising anger, Napoleon finally turned to him. 

“What’s the matter, aren’t you enjoying the sunshine?” He teased. 

But Napoleon quickly shifted his tone as Illya’s sharp stare reminded him of a savage cat aiming his prey, “I’m doing this for us, Illya. That pretty girl might invite us to a dinner party or something.” 

“You bet.” Illya said coldly. 

As Napoleon tried to figure out what he should say next to comfort his angry partner, the girl walked by their table. 

“Hey there, care to join me for dinner?” She asked. 

Napoleon nudged Illya and whispered triumphantly. “What did I just say? Everything is under my control.” 

He quickly stood up and displayed his most charming smile. 

“Of course, I would love to!” 

Illya cleared his throat. 

“Oh, yes, umm, could my friend come as well?” 

She looked at Illya and smiled. “Of course! Oh, he’s so cute!” 

“You’re very kind.” Illya replied dryly. 

“Do you see the restaurant around the corner?” 

The girl pointed at a little bistro just across the street. 

“Let’s meet there at 7? I know the place very well.” 

“No problem, we’ll see you there!” Napoleon said excitedly. 

The girl waved them goodbye. 

Napoleon gave Illya another triumphant wink. 

“Oh, you’re so cute!” Napoleon mocked. 

“You’re very kind too, Napoleon.” Illya replied sarcastically. 

......

As promised, the two men showed up in front of the bistro at 7 o’clock. The girl came a bit later and greeted them. Napoleon and Illya were a bit surprised when she led them directly in without waiting for the waiter. 

“Jenny! Where have you been? There’re a lot of customers today!” 

A big man with beard called, as the girl, Jenny, motioned them to a table at the back. 

“Coming!” Jenny said. 

“I’m sorry, I’ll be back in a second.” She apologized and left. 

Napoleon and Illya exchanged a glance. 

“Should we?” Napoleon pulled out a chair as he asked Illya. 

Illya shrugged and did the same. As they prepared to sit, a waiter holding a stack of plates approached them. 

“What are you two doing here? Take these to the kitchen!” 

He shoved the plates to Napoleon. 

“Excuse me, we’re not…” Illya tried to explain. 

“Shut up and get back to work!” The man said rudely. 

“Uh, sir, you misunderstood…” Napoleon said while trying to balance the plates in his hands. 

Before he could finish, the man already left and kept murmuring to himself. 

“Why did he always hire those incompetents?” 

Illya glanced at Napoleon as he put half of the plates in his hands. 

“Well, I guess the kitchen is that way.” Illya jerked his head to a swinging door not far away. 

They got in the kitchen, put the plates in the sink, and quickly sneaked away. Before they could reach the door, a pair of strong hands got hold of their collars. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” He bellowed. Apparently, he was one of the chefs. “Think you can just get away?” 

He threw them two towels. “And why are you wearing like this?” 

“Because we’re not…” Napoleon held up one of his fingers. 

“Shut up and get back to work!” The man shouted directly in front of him. 

Napoleon wiped his face in disgust. 

“There’s no use arguing with them, Napoleon.” Illya chuckled and rolled up his sleeves. 

Napoleon opened his mouth and tried to say something but failed. 

“Might as well go to work. Who knows? They might pay us.” Illya said as he tossed a towel to him. 

They didn’t say a word until they finished washing all the plates. 

“I’m doing this for us,” Illya suddenly said as he repeated Napoleon’s words. “well done, Mr. Solo, I think we both improved our skills on dish washing.” Illya laughed. 

“I’m glad you’re in high spirits, Illya.” Napoleon answered, obviously defeated. 

“Why not?” Illya raised his eyebrows.

......

“Oh, here you are!” Jenny opened the kitchen door. “I’m so sorry they mistook you as…” She paused. “Never mind about that now, do you want something to eat?” 

“That would be wonderful.” Napoleon answered. 

Jenny came back after a few minutes. 

“I’m so sorry, the food are all gone, we had awful lot of customers today. Oh, I do hope you will forgive me.” 

“That’s alright.” Napoleon said disappointedly. 

“Perhaps you would like to come back tomorrow at the same time? I promised it won’t be like this.” 

Napoleon had a hard time squeezing out a reply, so Illya naturally came to his rescue. 

“Unfortunately, we have an engagement tomorrow, or else we would love to come.” 

“Oh, what a pity.” Jenny said. 

“No matter what, thanks for the lovely evening.” Napoleon added as he and Illya heading out of the bistro. 

“So… What are we going to do next?” Illya asked. 

“After all this, you still want me to come up with the plan?” Napoleon smiled. 

“Hey, we are partners, aren’t we? And you know I will follow you no matter where you go.” Illya said casually. 

_Of course I know._ Napoleon sensed a stream of warmth coming through his body.


End file.
